My birth story

It was my "due date," a Sunday. I was relaxing on the couch, watching YouTube videos about birth when I felt water trickling down my pants. I went to the bathroom to check, and there it was - amniotic fluid. To my surprise, unfortunately, the fluid wasn't clear; it was a bit green. I knew this meant that there was meconium in the water (the baby had pooped inside, indicating he had been in some sort of distress at some point). This also meant that any expectations of a normal birth were out the window. When there's meconium in the amniotic fluid, certain protocols need to be followed: antibiotics every 8 hours, regular CTG scans to ensure the baby is okay, and an induction if nothing starts on its own within the next 12-24 hours. So, in that moment, I knew I had to fully surrender to what it was (even more than I had planned). I told my husband to call the hospital and let them know we were coming to get me checked. I took a shower, made sure I had packed everything I would need, and 30 minutes later, we were off to the hospital.

Once I arrived, they checked me and confirmed my suspicion. They gave me an IV of antibiotics and an ultrasound and suggested I get checked into the hospital. I could get an induction right there and then or wait a day. I checked in, got a room, and went for a walk around the hospital with my husband, coming back every 3 hours to get Baby's heart rate checked. By 1:00 am, we decided to get an induction, the mild kind, a low dosage. Nothing happened until the dosage was increased on Monday noon. That's when the contractions started to become more intense; however, they were not regular enough to be considered "in labor." I felt very much in labor though!

It wasn't until Tuesday afternoon that the contractions were regular enough to get a room in the labor and delivery ward. In there, I had a mat, a Pilates ball, a cloth hanging from the ceiling to hold on to, and a bathtub. I used aaaall the tools I had (including all the hypnobirthing tricks I had learned) and managed to dilate to 7 cm by 7:00 or 8:00 pm. But then, things stalled. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had to be hooked to an IV for antibiotics quite often and also to the CTG machine, so I couldn't move as freely as I wanted to. I had asked for a wireless monitor, but apparently, there wasn't any available (the ward was full).

After taking a bath to relax and then finding out that I hadn't progressed, I got a bit discouraged and agreed to get an IV of some sort of relaxer so that maybe it would help me dilate more. Instead, it made me vomit (more than before), and I felt very drowsy. It didn't help. Then I got oxytocin, but it didn't work either. At around 11:00 pm, the midwife suggested an epidural. I was exhausted and knew that at this stage, it was a good idea to get some rest, so I agreed.

The anesthesiologist was already in my room, about to give me the epidural, when the doctor popped in and informed us that my infection levels were rising to dangerous levels and that the baby needed to come out. I never saw these blood analyses, so to date, I have no idea what the threshold was to suggest a C-section. But I did know that the baby had been working with me since Sunday (over 48 hours!) with barely any amniotic fluid, and that his lungs could be compromised with a nasty infection if I waited longer. So we agreed to the C-section.

From the moment I said yes to the C-section, to the moment my baby was born, everything happened so quickly. I was changed into a hospital gown, my husband was given scrubs, and I was transferred to the operating room. In there, they gave me the spinal instead of the epidural, inserted a catheter for my bladder, and strapped me on the bed. My husband was then allowed to come in and was there for the birth of our baby. All in all, it took about 1 hour from prep to birth. Frey was born at 2:09 am. He had a full set of hair and looked so perfect.

My little bundle of joy at 1 day old <3

They took him to examine and realized he was having trouble breathing, so the doctors had to work on him while I was getting stitched up. After what felt like an eternity (it was more like two hours), they brought Frey back to us into our room, and he was able to latch right there and then. From that moment, we were never apart again.

By the time we got to our rooming-in bed, it was almost 6:00 am. My husband was able to stay with us until 8:00 pm that day, and I felt ecstatic.

It was only that night, after my husband had left, that I realized I couldn't move and take care of my baby as I wished. After struggling that night, not being able to get up, the next morning, I felt defeated. Looking at myself in the mirror, full of bruises and wounds on my arms, legs, and abdomen, I felt like a wounded warrior, and for a quick moment, felt like if I had lost a battle with myself, but then remembered that it was exactly the opposite. I had labored for days and did my best to work with the baby to have a natural birth, but in the end, we had to do what was best for our health. I cried of joy and grief and excitement and sadness. Lots of emotions at the same time. The next day, I got discharged since we were both doing great. After an almost one-week stay at the hospital, we were able to go home.

In the next weeks, we cuddled in bed while the proud new daddy took care of the household and fed me while I fed Frey. I am so, so grateful for his unconditional support.

It wasn't easy in the first few weeks, but that's a story for another day. What I can say is that I am eternally grateful to our Midwife Anett Sprau, who gave us the reassurance we needed as new parents and helped me process what had happened to my body.

So, did Prenatal Yoga and Hypnobirthing help?

It did. Definitely. It helped me stay calm, even when I knew my baby and I could be in danger. Even when I knew that the chain of interventions I was experiencing was very likely leading to a C-section. Even when I knew that I could not control any of what was happening. I took deep breaths and visualized and talked to the baby.

It took me about a week to process what had happened. Did I experience trauma? I think so. Although it has been 7 months since Frey's birth as I'm writing this, I still get emotional talking about it. Healing from trauma is not linear, and there is no set time. Yet, I am certain that the tools I have learned through yoga help immensely.

I hope my story serves you as a reminder that no matter how much we plan and desire a perfect birth, stuff happens, and the best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to accept things as they are, just go with the flow, and breathe.

If you experience(d) a difficult birth, even if it wasn't what most would label as "traumatic," know that trauma can occur anyway, and it is ok, and you can heal and get help. Talking about it with your partner, midwife or doctor, and family and friends can help you get through it. And why not, sharing with your postnatal yoga teacher and fellow yogi moms is also a way to heal. I got you :)