Fear of death (abhinivesha) and Marriage, what does one have to do with the other?

It’s been a while since I’ve written. As some of you might know, I was busy planning a wedding… Yes, I got married last month! It was indeed a lovely day – although my family from Mexico couldn’t be with us due to the current travel restrictions (but we hope to be able to celebrate again at some point with them).

Here a pic from our first dance <3

Mariachi Wedding
Our first dance to Mariachi

Now that the party is over, the papers are signed and I got a new last name, people keep asking me how I feel now that I’m married. I feel the same as before. Our lives haven't changed much since (we live together for a couple of years now). Except I did get a major panic attack a week before the wedding... The excuse was that I thought I would have a rainy wedding, but the reality is that I was kind of freaking out about losing myself in this “new identity”. I had nightmares about dying and couldn't sleep much. In hindsight, I think that fear of death was mainly that fear of “dying” in my marriage. Of losing myself as the woman that I am, independent, determined, empowered.

Abhinivesha - Fear of Death

Fear of death or abhinivesha is the last of the five kleshas according to the Yoga Sutras of Pantajali (check out my last post about the kleshas). We can also say that is the desire to hold on to life. We are deeply attached to our identities, to our bodies, to this life we’re living, and somehow, along the way, we tend to forget that we will all leave this wonderful planet at some point.