Choosing Yourself in Motherhood After Loss: Twin Mom Resilience, Support Systems & Guilt-Free Self-Care

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Choosing Yourself in Motherhood After Loss: Twin Mom Resilience, Support Systems & Guilt-Free Self-Care

There’s a version of motherhood we’re sold in glossy pictures and Instagram captions: peaceful feeds, baby snuggles, the occasional yoga class, and a mom who somehow “has it all together”.

And then there’s real life.

In real life, you might be an expat mom living far from your family, navigating a new language and system. You might be raising twins. You might be grieving a baby you never got to bring home. You might be working full-time and still trying to figure out when, exactly, you’re supposed to breathe.

That’s where Anna, my guest on this week’s Breathe Sculpt Flow podcast episode, comes in.

She’s a twin mom, an expat, an HR professional, and a woman who has experienced stillbirth and life-altering grief. And she’s also someone who made a clear, powerful decision:

“I’m going to step into the version of myself I need to be — for me and for my kids.”

This blog post weaves together parts of our conversation and the biggest lessons from her journey.

Life as an Expat Twin Mom (Who Also Works Full-Time)

Today, Anna lives in France with her twin babies, who are about to turn one. She works full-time from home in HR. Her days are full, but intentionally structured.

Here’s what her week roughly looks like:

Work: Full-time hours from home, with a little breathing room (not always at 100% capacity).
Childcare: A nanny from 9–5 on four days a week. On Wednesdays, she uses her annual leave so she can be fully present with her twins.
Support System: Friends and family who take actual days off, fly in, and stay with them for a week at a time to help.
Movement: Around three sessions per week of external movement (Pilates, tennis), plus home yoga — often with me — and playful “workouts” on the mat with her kids as extra weight.
Homemade food: She still makes all her twins’ food from scratch, using the flexibility of working from home to throw vegetables into the steamer between meetings.

And yet, even with this support and structure, she’s honest:

“I’m tired most of the time. That’s just reality.”

You can have help, flexible work, and a generally “good” situation on paper — and motherhood can still be exhausting. Both truths can exist together.

Grief, Stillbirth & How It Changes You

Before her twins, Anna had what seemed like a textbook healthy pregnancy with her first baby — a baby girl. Toward the end of that pregnancy, she developed intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy (a liver condition), which went unrecognized and unmanaged due to medical negligence.

Her daughter was stillborn at 37+ weeks. It was during COVID lockdown, in Northern Italy. There were no in-person hugs from friends, no family gathering around them, just isolation and unimaginable loss.

Anna describes this experience as the moment that completely reset her nervous system and sense of self:

It shattered the illusion of control.
It forced her to confront a depth of pain she’d never imagined.
It showed her how strong women can be — not in a cliché way, but in the very real, biological, gritty sense of “I survived this.”

It also deeply influenced how she approached her next pregnancy.

Advocating for Yourself in Pregnancy (Especially After Loss)

In her twin pregnancy, Anna didn’t leave anything to chance.

She:

Worked with a highly trusted gynecologist.
Insisted on additional tests and monitoring, especially around cholestasis.
Spent the last six weeks of pregnancy in the hospital for close observation.
Advocated to stay in the hospital when she was technically given the option to go home.

This wasn’t about fear controlling her—it was about informed, grounded self-advocacy.

She was stubborn in the best way:

“I never allowed the idea that they would be born too early to enter my head. I was doing what the doctors told me, but I also said: ‘No. Not these two.’”

If you’re reading this after a loss, or with a history of complications: You’re allowed to ask more questions. You’re allowed to request more monitoring. You’re allowed to choose the option that gives your nervous system the most safety, not just what is most convenient for the system.

Postpartum with Twins: Survival, Recovery & Small Choices

Postpartum with twins is its own universe.

Anna’s early months looked like:

Two babies, one of them with colic: Hours of crying in the evenings while she bounced, rocked, and wore wrist bandages from holding him so long.
Limited external help at first: Her babysitter started when the twins were four months old, for only three hours a week.
Physical recovery: A significant diastasis recti (about 4 cm/three fingers), perineal rehab, breastfeeding, and the hormone soup that makes everything feel a bit more intense.

She knew, from her previous loss, that she needed to actively protect herself from numbing out with unhelpful coping mechanisms. Her choice?

Movement.

Not in a “bounce back” way — more like “this is my lifeline”:

Physiotherapy for diastasis and pelvic floor.
Gentle, guided strengthening work.
Yoga and mindful movement, often online from home.
Tiny “movement snacks” on the floor with her babies, using them as little weights and play partners.

She didn’t wait to feel like her “old self” first. She supported the body she was in now so that future her could feel more like herself sooner.

How She Carves Out Time for Herself (Without Drowning in Guilt)

There’s a lot of talk online about “prioritizing yourself first.” Anna has a twist that I think many moms will appreciate.

She says:

“My secret is that I’m actually not prioritizing myself. I prioritize my kids — and then I feel very comfortable taking three hours for myself.”

Here’s what that looks like in practice:

Respect the timing of your kids. She doesn’t book a massage at the same time as a major meal or a tricky part of the bedtime routine. She chooses slots when her babies are usually calm, playing or napping, and with someone they know well.
Set yourself up for success, not failure. Instead of aiming for a weekend away, she started with 30–45 minutes. Instead of a fancy studio an hour away, she practiced online in her living room. Five weeks of consistent, small wins helped her nervous system trust, “We can do this.”
Exercise from home is wildly underrated. Rolling out a mat and opening Zoom is often the difference between movement happening or not. No commute, no extra logistics.
Integrate, don’t separate (when helpful).She often turns floor time with the twins into gentle core work or strengthening. Babies on the mat, a few sets of mindful exercises, lots of laughter. It doesn’t replace solo self-care, but it contributes to feeling more like herself.

And yes, sometimes the plan doesn’t work.

Once, she was literally at the door, ready to leave, and her son burst into tears in his grandmother’s arms and wouldn’t settle. She canceled that appointment.

You’re allowed to pivot. You’re allowed to choose your baby and still believe in your right to have support and space.

Delegating the Mental Load (Not Just Tasks)

One of my favorite parts of our conversation was when Anna talked about delegating diapers and garbage to her partner — including the mental load.

Instead of:

“Can you pick up diapers on your way home?”

It became:

“From next Monday on, can you be fully in charge of making sure we have diapers?”

That means:

He tracks the stock.
He notices when the bin is full.
He plans the refills.

Yes, she still sometimes has to run to the pharmacy. But 80–90% of that load is off her plate.

This matters, because a deregulated nervous system often isn’t caused by “one big thing” — it’s the constant buzzing of 100 tiny open loops in your head.

When you delegate, try (as much as possible) to delegate the thinking too.

On Mom Guilt & Letting Yourself Evolve

If you’re a mom reading this, there’s a good chance you know guilt intimately.

Guilt for leaving. Guilt for staying. Guilt for wanting space. Guilt for not “bouncing back.” Guilt for enjoying work. Guilt for not enjoying it.

Anna’s reminder is simple and strong:

Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing.
You can feel guilty and still go to your class, your walk, your therapy, your coffee.
Your health is as foundational to the family system as your baby’s health. If you collapse, the system does too.

And you’re not supposed to be the same person you were before.

You went through pregnancy, birth, maybe loss, maybe NICU, maybe sleepless years. You’re meant to evolve.

For the Mom Who Feels Like She’s Drowning Right Now

If you’re in the thick of it — colic, sleepless nights, isolation, grief, or just the weight of the mental load — here’s what I hope you take from Anna’s story:

This is temporary. Tantrums, night wakings, clingy phases, the intense fog — none of it lasts forever.
You don’t have to rebuild your life in one big decision. Start with 20 minutes. Start with one walk. Start with one honest conversation.
Your healing is not selfish. Every bit of strength, regulation, and joy you reclaim ripples out to your children, your partner, your community.
You are not alone. So many of us are navigating motherhood in a foreign country, without grandparents down the street, figuring out systems as we go.

If you’d like to listen to our full conversation, you can find this episode of Breathe Sculpt Flow on your favorite podcast app.

And if you’re craving support in your own postpartum or motherhood journey — through movement, breath, and nervous system care — you can explore ways to work with me by booking a free, no strings attached consult call. I'd love to learn how I can best support you in this season.

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